Soapy Sales?
August 13, 2008
Dear Mr. Milo:
Can you dehydrate shampoo and conditioner for ease of transport through airport security?  Is it being done successfully somewhere and if so by whom?
Harry L.

Dear Mr. L:
Shampoo and conditioner travel containers are easily dehydrated and made TSA carry-on compliant through the use of any of a number of household dehydrators found at Costco, Target and other large stores.  Ranging in price from $110 to $140, they require no set up and are ready to use out of the box.  Simply place a small bottle of the liquid in the dehydrator door with the cap off, press the start button and within ten to fifteen minutes your shampoo or conditioner will be ready for travel.

If the cost of a household dehydrator is prohibitive, one may wish to purchase dehydrated forms of common liquid travel necessities.   Travelon, for example, markets shampoo, shaving cream, laundry soap and conditioner in dissolvable sheets. These retail for approximately $5.00 per pack and come in units of fifty. When using dissolvable sheets, one must have dry hands to prevent premature sheet rehydration during removal from the dispensing unit.  The Travelon Company is a sudsidiary of the Church of Lather Day Saints.
To Sewer, With Love
July 16, 2008
Dear Mr. Milo:
Why does poop smell and why do flies like it?
Isabella
Age 9
Costa Mesa, CA

Dear Isabella:
Thank you for writing to Ask Mr. Milo.  Let's start with the second part of your query.

We have no idea whether flies actually like poop, we can only observe that they land and lay their eggs on poop.  Until there are advances in linguistics that enable us to communicate directly with flies, this is a question that will most likely remain unanswered.

Now for your original question.   When animals digest food, the proteineous components are broken down by intestinal bacteria into a variety of compounds.  Two of the compounds produced through this process, skatole and indole, are the primary culprits that cause poop to smell bad.  There is a turd compound, mercaptans, that also contributes to creating the offending odor, but the first two chemicals are the ones that really cause a stink.

There is no significant industrial use for skatole or indole, although in very small amounts they are used as additives in cigarettes and in some perfumes.  Should the need arise to obtain large amounts of these two substances we look to NASA. Voyager 2, the space craft launched from Earth in 1977 to explore and examine the outer limits of our solar system, found large quantities of skatole and indole in and around Uranus.


A Slice of Advice to Serenaded Ranger
July 9, 2008
Dear Mr. Milo:
I was at Big Basin State Park in California two weeks ago and next door to me were people singing a pizza song.   What should I do if it happens again? (it will)
Mr. Steadlen, Park Ranger

Dear Ranger Steadlen:
For readers unsure of the pizza song reference, he is likely referring to “That’s Amore” composed by Harry Warren and Jack Brooks in 1952 for the movie The Caddy, starring Dean Martin and made famous again in the movie Moonstruck. 

Our entire staff offers you condolences for the horror which you must have endured.  Fortunately, these Little Caesars did not begin renditions of Michael Row Your Boat Ashore or Polly Wolly Doodle. Had they, the Domino affect would have removed all hope for your continued sanity.    

If this situation recurs you are encouraged to contact the Campground Hosts at Big Basin State Park.  These individuals are Papa John, a crusty but helpful individual, and his wife, affectionately known as Aunt Chovie.  Both are adept in being able to asausage tempers so that problems do not mushroom.   Look for their large white trailer within the park alongside a sign that states “Campground Host”.

Should Papa John be unavailable, consider the advice provided by Dino Crocetti in this California State Park Training Video .

If all else fails you can always give them a pizza your mind.

Phony Law in California Pushes Buttons
July 3, 2008
Dear Mr. Milo:
On July 1^st, a new law went into effect here in California that requires all drivers to use a hands free device when using their cellular telephones behind the wheel.  I think this is baloney since people do all sorts of things while driving, so why is this any different?  What do you recommend to be in compliance?
L.G. Ericsson

Dear  L.G.:
Many of us observe individuals perform a variety of tasks while driving that are possibly more dangerous than using a cell phone, yet these distractions are not specifically outlawed.  It will be interesting to see if the new law makes any difference in the accident rate, but comply we must. 

Ask Mr. Milo recommends the use of wired head sets, as these are the only devices known to avoid the syndrome known as Dens Purpura (Blue Tooth).  Blue Tooth is the common name for the dental soreness caused by radio transmission waves emanating from wireless headsets. After talking for hours with a wireless ear piece, some users develop pain in their upper central incisor (top front tooth) closest to the wireless ear piece, hence the name blue tooth.   

As many drivers Sprint to obtain a quality hands free device at electronics stores, others have voiced frustration in their Qwest due to limited product availability ATT the moment.  Until stores restock there appears to be little relief on the Verizon.

Dishillusioned with Salesman's Advice
June 22, 2008
Dear Mr. Milo:
I am single and recently purchased a new dishwasher from Sears.  The salesman told me that I should run it through a wash cycle once a week, even if I have no dishes to wash.   Why do I need to do this?  Here in California we are experiencing drought conditions and I’d prefer not to waste water.
M. H.

Dear Ms. H.:
When a dishwasher is not used often enough, there is an increased chance that the pump seals will dry out and crack.  Using your dishwasher on a regular basis will make it less likely that these seals will fail prematurely.  It is not necessary to run your dishwasher once a week; however, it is advisable to run it at least every two to three weeks. 

Less frequent use of a dishwasher may result in decomposing food creating objectionable odors from the stacked, but unwashed plates.   Although a rinse cycle is available on most dishwashers that would remove the odor causing debris, in California’s extremely dry conditions, using the rinse cycle is discouraged in order to save water.   

A low tech solution to this vexing problem has been developed at the Ask Mr. Milo Institute of Arid Studies that lightly cleans dishes without the use of additional water and keeps them odor free.    

In the photo below, Ruger demonstrates this innovative process which recently received the coveted Water Miser Award from the East Bay Municipal Utilities District.  

 

Barack in the Saddle Again
June 7, 2008
Dear Mr. Milo:
Can you please explain the Obama mania that is going on in this country?  The man has done nothing, yet the media hails him as the next messiah.  Can you shed some light on this please?
Larry L. Bamba

Dear Mr. L. Bamba:
After researching your question, our staff has reached a similar conclusion - that Obama has indeed done nothing.

Unlike McCain, Obama has done nothing to support the continued Bush debacle in Iraq, nothing to support permanent tax breaks for the extremely wealthy and nothing to support the confirmation of reactionary justices Alito and Roberts.  The list continues, but lends credence to the belief that doing nothing may be far better than doing something.

If Obama is the Messiah, and he wins in November, we can most certainly be assured that this will be one victory he can truly savior.

The Pope's Shoes Have Mass Appeal
May 25, 2008
Dear Mr. Milo:
First, let me say, I thank Jesus daily for this website.

As you know, our great leader, Mr. Pope, was in God's country recently.  His speeches were, of course, compassionately riveting, but I am puzzled by one thing...why does Mr. Pope wear red shoes?  Is it a symbol of the blood of Christ or the blood of the lamb of Jesus?  Or did he get them from Dorothy?

I look forward to a reconciliation of this puzzlement through your wise counsel.
Sincerely,
Ms. Kath O'Lick

Dear Ms. O'Lick:
Pope Benedict has always enjoyed dressing up, even as a youngster.  Our earliest documentation of this interest is found
in the photo on the left, taken in 1941, where a young Joseph Ratzinger can be seen in his very stylish Hitler Youth uniform.  His penchant for fashion led him to the priesthood where he could wear a multitude of outfits as he moved up in the Catholic hierarchy.

Today, Pope Benedict's wardrobe is selected by his personal assistant, Father Georg Gaenswein.  The very good looking Monsignor Gaenswein, known in the Italian press as "Gorgeous George", has the most influence on what the Pope wears and is responsible for the Pope's use of red shoes in public appearances.

Referring to the color of the Pope's shoes, Monsignor Gaenswein wrote that "Red is the colour of martyrdom and the pope is the successor of the martyred St. Peter.  Red is the colour of burning love, the colour of the fire of the spirit."

That Pope Benedict is considered to be one of the most well dressed of popes is in no small part due to Father Gaenswein realizing that shoes make the man, and to never wafer from this cardinal rule.

Developing a Cash Crop

May 17, 2008
Dear Mr. Milo:
Many times I hear my parents say, “Money does not grow on trees.”  If that is true, then why do banks have branches?  It doesn’t make sense.
Thank you.
Dani Thomas
 
Dear Ms. Thomas:
Money actually does grow on trees.  In fact, during colonial times money trees were not uncommon.  Farmers carefully tended the ones that they found to help survive in those tough economic times.  In the late 1700’s, however, the newly formed federal government sized all money trees because over harvesting by citizens had created an inflationary economic climate.  
 
In 1913, the Federal Reserve was created and given the responsibility to maintain the money tree orchards as well as to control the country's money supply.  Money was controlled by the judicious pruning of money tree limbs and their distribution to bank offices.  These offices were soon referred to as branches and that term is still used today.
 
One can occasionally find a money tree in private hands.  Mr. Milo has one such tree, as well as a limited number of money tree seedlings that are available for purchase.  School age children under twelve that wish to grow such a tree are encouraged to send a brand new twenty dollar bill to Mr. Milo.  In return he will ship you a money tree seedling along with complete growing instructions.

As to your parents' statement that money does not grow on trees - it simply does not hold currency.    

Piping Up on Cigar Smoking
May 8, 2008
Dear Mr. Milo:
Are the effects of smoking cigars as major as those of cigarettes?  And if you smoke a cigar once every one to two weeks,  what are the odds of getting an overwhelming addiction? Thanks.
Chris

Dear Chris:
Most evidence indicates that  occasional cigar smoking in adults is less likely to cause a nicotine addiction as long as the cigar smoker has no prior history of tobacco use and especially cigarette smoking.    It is difficult to extrapolate on whether an individual will develop a cigar habit or addiction since there are many variables to consider.   Since a typical cigar can often contain at least the same amount of nicotine as a pack of cigarettes, much depends on how the cigar is consumed. For example, cigarette smokers tend to inhale more cigar smoke than non-cigarette smokers making such users at higher risk for addiction as well as other tobacco related diseases.  

For a surprisingly balanced summary of the risks of cigar smoking, the reader is referred to this link at the National Cancer Institute.  Item #6 discusses cigars and the potential for addiction.  Other health risks associated with cigar smoking are also dealt with in this ten point fact sheet.

Footprints Become a Shoe-in for Identification
April 7, 2008
Dear Mr. Milo:
I have been reading a lot about carbon footprints in the paper and continue to hear it mentioned on both the radio and television. What is a carbon footprint anyway?
B. Union

Dear Mr. Union
As global warming progresses, the United States is seeing a bump in crimes committed by individuals not wearing shoes or socks.  Offenses committed by such individuals is a well recognized problem in all countries close to the Equator, however, it is only recently becoming a problem here in the U.S.

The term "carbon footprint" comes from the FBI's technique of sprinkling purified charcoal dust at crime scenes to expose latent footprints, when it is thought that the suspect was both shoe and sock less.

Although it is far from being their sole method of individual identification, the FBI is very much instep with the times using this technique in its toe-to-toe battle against crime.



The image on the left is the carbon footprint used to identify arch criminal Robert Talus.

**********

Bitching About Westminster Rules
March 8, 2008
Dear Mr. Milo:
I am a very attractive female black Labrador retriever, in training to complete in the 2009 Westminster Dog Show.   I am disheartened by the news that only a male dog can be Best in Show.  Can this be true Mr. Milo?  And if it is, why?  Has the Taliban taken over the canine world?  I am so distraught that I can hardly finish my kibble.

Please answer my questions and give me direction as to how to go on from here.   Thank you Mr. Milo.
Millie

Dear Ms. Millie:
No need to be disheartened, as either sex can win Best in Show at Westminster or any other dog show.  Winners tend to be males, because it is the male that generally exemplifies the typical qualities of the breed.  Over the last one hundred years, sixty five males have won this award, compared to only thirty five females.

As for further direction, Mr. Milo encourages you to continue your quest.  Of particular concern is your Labrador heritage and the tendency for Labradors to become overweight.  You will need to watch your diet and exercise to stay competitive, otherwise the only award you'll be weighting for is Best in Chow -  last year's winner is pictured to the left.



New Pastas to Wheat Your Appetite

Minnesota Warms Up to Climate Change
January 7, 2008
Dear Mr. Milo:
Lately I have been confused over the issue of Global Warming. Here in Minnesota it has not gotten above freezing in twenty days. Doesn't the term "global" mean everywhere?  Why am I freezing? Al Gore has told us high atop his throne that the polar ice caps are melting and we should expect a twenty foot wall of sea water along our coastline.  Should we build a wall to keep out the sea water similar to building a wall to keep out illegal aliens? Could you clarify the differences between unexpected sea water and illegal aliens?  Any help to clarify this would be appreciated.
Frankie F. Rozen

Dear Mr. Rozen:
Mr. Milo's representatives attempted to validate your assertion that Minnesota is suffering from extreme cold by visiting your state several days ago.

Unfortunately, our group was prevented from going further north on Interstate 35 than the Iowa - Minnesota border as noted in the photograph below.  It appears that it may be a bit late to begin construction of the protective sea wall that you reference in your letter.